This shoulder surgery has been the hardest thing I've ever done. It may even be harder than being undiagnosed with adrenal insufficiency. I have become virtually useless, short tempered, my mind doesn't work, each and everything I do takes twice as long, my driving is dangerous (stick shift and a useless right arm), constantly exhausted and on the verge of tears at all times. I have been humbled. I am so dependent upon others (STILL) that it's not even funny. I nearly burst into tears if I'm in the grocery store and someone helps me empty my cart on to the belt. Every night, I'm thankful to fall asleep and not have to need anything or wish I had help doing things.
Sleep is another matter. Since I hurt myself on June 20th, I've rarely slept well. Each and every time I turn or move, the shoulder lets me know and wakes me up. I haven't slept on my right side in three months. For the last six weeks, I have only been able to "sleep" on my back. Ugh!
Each day, I wake up hopeful that it will be better than the last. I hope that I will accomplish something. I wish, each and every day, that I had someone to put my hair in a pony tail so I look like less of a wreck. I am hoping that the circles under my eyes are not permanent. Each day is getting incrementally better for the most part. The pain has lessened. I am allowed to be out of the sling. I can use my hand and forearm more. The right arm, even if it's out of the sling, does not work well. It hangs limply by my side or is tightly held against my chest. I can only walk about a half mile with it out of the sling before it gets very uncomfortable. Sigh.
Physical therapy starts Monday. I will fall into another ring of Hell. I have been told by several people, including an ortho friend, that shoulder physical therapy is very painful. I like opiates and all but, damn, I'm tired of them.
I wonder, if I had known how awful this time post surgery would be, would I have had the surgery? Would I have opted for being slightly disabled? Time will tell. I hope that this arm works once I've regained strength and range of motion. I really hope that all this mental and physical pain was worth it.
Perhaps I need to show more gratitude?
I have been getting out and walking on the beautiful beach.
I've been spending time with my sweet bird, Keiko.
The view out the back of the house is amazing. I have really been enjoying it.
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| Sandhill Crane |
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| Amazing view out the back windows |
I'm also thankful for my husband for putting up with me. Thanks to Jim S., Yogi and Molly for texting/Facebooking me every day with great stories of the things they are doing as well as support and encouragement when I need it most. Thanks to Milissa, Donna, Allison and my mom for the late birthday presents. I love getting something in the mailbox when I least expect it. Thank you, Bonnie, for the cards. Thank you, Heather, for the funnies that appear in my inbox with regularity. Thanks to everyone who is sending good thoughts my way.